Hello Pleasure Activists,

 

One of the most electric, destabilizing, and misunderstood parts of relational life, especially in non-monogamy, is New Relationship Energy.

 

At The Pleasure Practice, I support clients week after week who are either swimming in this experience or caught in the wake of someone else’s. Some arrive to our sessions radiant with excitement, buzzing with sexual energy, and dreaming into new futures. Others arrive aching, confused, or untethered, watching their partners get swept up in someone new and wondering what it means for their place in the relational web. And, some are trying to come down from the high and integrate what remains.

 

Through it all, I guide them to slow down, feel deeply, and remember their own inner compass.

 

Because New Relationship Energy is not just a feeling. It’s a neurochemical event.

 

When we meet someone new and feel aligned, the body releases an intoxicating mix of chemicals: dopamine, oxytocin, and norepinephrine.

 

• Dopamine floods the brain with motivation and craving. It tells you that this person is the source of everything good. That being around them will bring pleasure, reward, and safety, even if you don’t really know them yet.

   

• Oxytocin, the bonding hormone, gives you a sense of deep connection and intimacy. It says, you belong here. You’re seen. This is real. Even if it’s only been a few weeks.

   

• Norepinephrine ramps up alertness, heart rate, and intensity. It creates that fluttery, “can’t stop thinking about them” feeling that hijacks your focus and floods your nervous system with urgency.

   

Together, these chemicals form a cocktail that mimics early-stage addiction and creates a temporary altered state of consciousness, not unlike a psychedelic trip. You’re high. You’re enchanted. And your brain is actively filtering information to support the narrative that this person is special. This is different. This could change everything.

 

It’s no wonder we lose our footing.

 

But in The Pleasure Practice, I teach my clients a crucial truth: just because something feels magical doesn’t mean it’s meant to be permanent or prioritized right now.

 

In fact, the more intense the emotion, whether it’s rage, grief, or NRE, the more essential it is to slow down.

 

Because NRE is not just euphoric. It’s also deceptive. It can make red flags look like rose petals. It can obscure incompatibilities. It can cause us to reorient our lives around someone we barely know. And it can lead us to neglect the stable, steady, nourishing relationships that are quietly sustaining us.

 

I often compare NRE to a psychedelic trip. When you’re in it, you’re not meant to make major life decisions. You don’t quit your job, move across the country, or leave your partner in the middle of a psychedelic ceremony. You wait. You breathe. You let the journey move through you. And then you integrate.

 

And yet, sometimes NRE is pointing to something real. A deeply aligned connection. A potential for transformation. A desire that reveals a truth we’ve long avoided.

 

So how do we tell the difference?

 

In our sessions, I help clients learn to move slowly in the face of intensity.

 

Not to deny pleasure. But to metabolize it.

 

One client came to me lit up with NRE. They wanted to see their new partner every day. Their nervous system was buzzing. Their libido was on fire. But they were also deeply anxious and couldn’t focus on work or other partners. Together, we mapped out a plan: one day a week of quality time with the new partner, one day of solo integration, and intentional connection with existing relationships throughout the week. Within a month, their system calmed. The excitement of seeing their new lover increased. And they started to make clearer decisions, not from urgency, but from groundedness.

 

Another client came in devastated after being on the receiving end of their partner’s NRE. They felt discarded. Forgotten. Unchosen. And while we honored the heartbreak, we also named the chemical state their partner was in. We worked on boundary setting, nervous system resourcing, and compassionate communication, not to control the partner’s experience, but to clarify their own needs and power.

 

That’s the paradox of NRE: it’s often seen as a force that “happens to us.” But we always have a choice in how we respond.

 

We can ride the wave without letting it carry us away.

 

We can feel the heat without burning the house down.

 

We can choose integrity without sacrificing aliveness.

 

In my own life, I’ve been swept up in NRE. I’ve felt the high. The obsession. The certainty. I’ve imagined futures that weren’t real. I’ve pulled away from long-term partners, not because I didn’t love them, but because I forgot that NRE is a drug.

 

And I’ve learned.

 

I’ve learned to move slower. To make space for the high and for the people I’ve built my life with. To hold excitement alongside discernment. I’ve learned to pour back into my long-term relationships, not because they need fixing, but because they are precious.

 

Which brings me to something we don’t talk about enough:

 

Established Relationship Energy.

 

The beauty of a love that’s endured.

The way someone knows your body before you say a word.

The trust built through rupture and repair.

The stability that allows your nervous system to exhale.

 

In a culture that idolizes the “spark,” we forget to worship the ember, the quiet, steady glow that keeps us warm over time.

 

Established Relationship Energy (ERE) doesn’t spike your dopamine in the same way. But it offers something richer: consistency, depth, repair, laughter, history. When we learn to honor ERE, we build relationships that can hold the full spectrum of our lives, not just the highs.

 

This is why, in The Pleasure Practice, I challenge the false dichotomy between novelty and depth. You don’t have to choose between the thrill of something new and the truth of what’s already grounded you.

 

You can hold both if you move slowly enough to honor each.

 

And, I’ve also learned that sometimes, it is time to reorient. Sometimes you meet someone who really does mirror your values, awaken your eroticism, and deserve more of your time. But even then, slowness is key. You get to build something steady. Let the seasons unfold. Let the relationship reveal itself beyond the sparkle.

 

Because relationships aren’t just made in the peak moments. They’re made in the aftermath. In the repair. In the slow unfolding of time.

 

So if you’re in NRE right now, drunk on desire, high on possibility, I invite you to try the following:

 

• See them max once a week. Let longing build. Let your nervous system rest.

   

• Stay connected to your community. Don’t isolate in the glow of one person.

   

• Write down your projections. What do you believe this person will give you? What are you hoping they’ll save you from? How much of this is about them and how much is about your longing?

   

• Keep tending to what already nourishes you. Don’t let the thrill of the new erase the depth of the known.

 

And if you’re watching someone you love drift into NRE with another, know this:

 

You are not less desirable because someone else is new.

 

You are not less important because the spotlight has shifted.

 

You are allowed to grieve.

 

To request.

 

To reconnect to yourself.

 

To reconnect with your community.

 

To have commitments honored.

 

NRE is not the enemy. It’s a teacher. A mirror. A portal. But we have to walk through it with our eyes open.

 

Pleasure Practice Invitations:
Here are three tools I offer clients to support clarity in the midst of NRE:

 

• Journal Prompt: What fantasies am I attaching to this person? What deeper longing is fueling the projection?

   

• Somatic Grounding: Place one hand on your heart and one on your pelvis. Breathe slowly. Ask your body: what feels real? What feels fast? What needs to slow down?

   

• Relational Repair: Reach out to an established partner. Acknowledge if you’ve felt distant. Share one memory you cherish and one small action you’ll take to reconnect this week.

 

And, if your partner is going through NRE with someone else:

 

• Journal Prompt: What parts of me are feeling unchosen or unseen? What do I need to feel worthy and loved regardless of where my partner’s attention is? How can my community support me in this time?

   

• Somatic Grounding: Notice where you feel tightness, numbness, or heat in the body. Can you soften into that space? Offer it a loving hand or breath. Ask: What is this sensation protecting?

   

• Relational Repair: Identify what boundaries are rooted in care, not control. Share how you’re feeling and one thing they could do that would help you feel safe, cared for, or included.

 

Because the truth is you don’t have to choose between honoring the spark of new love and tending to what already grounds you.

 

You just have to be willing to slow down enough to hold both.

 

Sending All My Love,
Dr. Nicole

 

 

Dr. Nicole Thompson

Sex and Relationship Psychotherapist

​Psychedelic-Assisted Liberation

Clinical Psychology