Hello Pleasure Activists,

 

Let’s take a deep breath together and sink into a conversation that so many of us have been waiting to have, a conversation about embracing our relationship with porn as a pathway to erotic creativity and liberation. For many of us, this word alone carries a rush of memories, beliefs, and shame. We were told to keep it secret, to feel guilty for being curious, or to see it as corrupting. And yet beneath those inherited messages is a truth I want us to linger with: porn can be a doorway into erotic creativity, play, and freedom.

 

Over the years, I have sat with countless clients who whisper about their porn use as though confessing something shameful. They often wait for me to judge them, bracing for the same punishment they once received from parents, churches, or partners. In those moments, I see so clearly how shame has done its work, not by erasing desire but by teaching us to hide it. The reality is that porn is not the enemy, and the true obstacle we must confront is shame.

 

When we release the grip of shame, we can begin to see porn for what it often is, a space of fantasy, spectacle, and imagination. It is a place where we can explore scenarios that may never appear in our daily lives but still stir our bodies with curiosity and delight. Just as we can watch a flaming car chase on screen without expecting to replicate it on the highway, we can watch porn as entertainment without assuming it should dictate what sex looks like in our play. The confusion arises when we forget this distinction. We start to measure ourselves against actors whose performances have been carefully edited, scripted, and exaggerated for maximum effect. We wonder if real sex is supposed to look like that, and we feel smaller when it does not. When we return porn to its rightful place as fantasy rather than education, we give ourselves permission to enjoy it for what it is.

 

And here is the beauty I want to underscore. Porn can be a mirror. It does not tell us who we should be. Instead, it shows us what is already alive inside of us, reflecting our evolving desires back to us in ways we may not have named before. Again and again, clients describe how their tastes transform over time, and it feels powerful to witness the release of shame as they make room for those changes. What once felt forbidden can become playful and freeing. A video that once felt unapproachable may suddenly light up their imagination. Sometimes it is the opposite, what once excited them no longer does. Desire is not fixed, and porn can help us track that evolution with honesty and curiosity.

 

Of course, engaging in this way raises another important question. How do we do this ethically and in alignment with our values? Porn is not one thing. It is an ecosystem, vast and varied. Within it, there are exploitative corners shaped by profit, sameness, and narrow ideals. But there are also spaces where performers are paid fairly, where creators own their work, and where diversity of body type, race, gender, and ability are honored. Our responsibility lies in where we place our attention and our money.

 

Consider this: how many times have you seen porn where body hair was visible and celebrated rather than erased? How many times have you seen older, larger-bodied, differently-abled, or queer bodies presented as sexy and desirable? For many of us, the answer is not often. That absence matters. When we only consume a narrow vision of sexy, our erotic imagination begins to shrink. We internalize that only certain bodies, acts, and dynamics deserve arousal. But when we seek out ethical and diverse creators, we widen the lens. We remind ourselves that sexuality is as expansive and varied as humanity itself.

 

There is also the question of consent. Some ethical creators incorporate negotiations, boundary-setting, and check-ins into their scenes. They let us see the conversations that happen before, during, or after filming. Watching this can be deeply arousing, but it also models something revolutionary. Desire and care are not opposites. To witness performers explicitly voice their boundaries, to see the ways they affirm choice and trust, is to experience porn that teaches us not just about fantasy but about the real art of relating. Imagine what might shift in our lives if we consumed more images of explicit consent woven into erotic play.

 

When I look back on my own story, I see how powerful these shifts can be. Growing up in purity culture, porn was demonized as a dangerous force capable of corrupting the soul. I carried that fear into my young adulthood, punishing myself for every moment of curiosity. The shame was suffocating. But when I finally gave myself permission to explore with openness, I realized that porn was not the monstrous force I had been warned about. It was a playground, a mirror, a place to notice what turned me on. It was not about replicating what I saw, but about learning what my own body and mind responded to. That realization was liberatory. It allowed me to bring fantasies into my relationships that I had previously buried. It gave me permission to honor my erotic imagination as something sacred rather than sinful.

 

And I want to name something else here. This conversation is not only personal, it is political. The shame around porn does not exist in a vacuum. It is the product of systems that have sought to control sexuality for centuries. Patriarchy, white supremacy, capitalism, and religious control have all worked to narrow sexuality to heterosexual, reproductive, marital sex. Demonizing porn often has less to do with protecting people and more to do with restricting desire. By reclaiming porn as one possible pathway to erotic self-knowledge, we challenge those systems. We declare that our pleasure belongs to us. We say that our curiosity is not dangerous but sacred.

 

So what if we approached porn differently? What if we let it be playful exploration rather than secret guilt? What if we allowed it to expand our imagination rather than narrow it? And what if we supported the performers and creators who are working to make the industry more ethical, more inclusive, and more aligned with liberation? This is where porn becomes not only entertainment, but also a political act of choosing what kind of world we want to fuel with our attention.

 

Pleasure Practice

 

Journal Prompt: Write about a time when watching porn or engaging with your fantasies left you feeling playful, curious, or empowered. What qualities of that moment brought you joy? How might you invite more of those qualities into your erotic life today?

 

Embodiment Practice: Recall an image, fantasy, or clip that excites you. As you bring it to mind, notice where pleasure stirs in your body. Place a hand there and take five long, nourishing breaths, imagining that pleasure expanding with each inhale. Let your body savor the goodness of feeling turned on without needing to change or perform anything.

 

Relational Tool: Choose a clip to watch with a partner or friend. Before you begin, share something you are excited to notice together, whether it is laughter, curiosity, or arousal. Afterward, talk about the moments that felt most pleasurable. Celebrate the different ways your bodies and imaginations respond.

 

Your curiosity deserves to be met with expansiveness. Your erotic imagination is sacred. And, your pleasure is revolutionary.

 

Sending all my love,
Dr. Nicole

​

Sex and Relationship Psychotherapist

​Psychedelic-Assisted Liberation

Clinical Psychology