Dear Listener,

 

In trying to simplify human connection, modern psychology has often overlooked its deepest truths.

 

Attachment theory began as a powerful insight into how we bond, love, and survive. But somewhere along the way, it was reduced to a set of static labels. Rather than honoring the complex and emergent nature of intimacy, it offered us a tidy personality quiz. We were told to pick a category: secure, anxious, avoidant, disorganized.

 

But you are not a category.

 

You are not a diagnosis. You are not a fixed style.

 

You are relational chemistry.

 

Your attachment responses are not permanent traits that live inside you. They are sensitive reactions that emerge in the space between. They shift and evolve. They are shaped by context, culture, and connection.

 

This is the foundation of my work in The Pleasure Practice. It is the lens through which I have come to understand love, through both my clinical research and my personal experience. It is one of the central findings of my dissertation on non-monogamous relationships and emotional liberation.

 

When we cling to the idea that we are always one kind of attached, we miss the relational intelligence that lives in the body. Instead of listening inward, we collapse into identity. We pathologize our sensitivity. We forget that who we are becoming is shaped by who we are with.

 

This, to me, is the revolution. Not to memorize the four types, but to study the dynamic and unique chemistry of each connection.

 

Recently, I have been thinking about my undergraduate training in chemistry and the element of hydrogen.

 

Hydrogen is one of the simplest and most essential elements in the universe. On its own, it is just a single proton and electron. But when it bonds with oxygen, something extraordinary happens. Two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom come together to form H₂O.

 

H₂O becomes the medium of transformation and the essence of flow. It forms oceans, rivers, blood, and tears. And yet, it never stays in one form. Depending on temperature and pressure, H₂O becomes ice, steam, or liquid. It condenses, evaporates, freezes, and melts.

 

Same molecule. Different expression.

 

Its form is not fixed. It is a response to the conditions it encounters. And under another set of circumstances, with enough pressure and activation, hydrogen itself can become something else entirely. It becomes the core of the hydrogen bomb. An explosion of almost unimaginable force. The same element that nourishes can also destroy.

 

This is what it means to be human in relationship.

 

We are not always the same self. We change depending on the context we are in. Sometimes we show up as softness, humor, and ease. Other times we become guarded, panicked, or angry. Sometimes we move with trust and generosity. Sometimes we collapse into fear.

 

The truth is that we are shaped by the relational fields around us. Our nervous systems are constantly interpreting the cues of safety and danger. Our past experiences live in our bodies. Our desires and fears emerge in connection.

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This does not make us broken. It makes us alive.

 

In one connection, I have felt stable, flowing, and clear. I have spoken my needs with confidence and received care without fear. In another, I have felt myself harden. I have withdrawn or flooded. I have scattered. I have even felt the bomb inside me. The pressure building. The intensity mounting. The sensation that I might rupture.

 

But none of those states alone define me.

 

They reflect the unique chemistry of each bond.

 

This is not only true in romantic or sexual relationships. You can see this in friendships as well. One friend brings out your silliness. Another draws out your seriousness. Another encourages your ambition. Another helps you rest. You are not pretending in any of these relationships. Each one calls forward a different truth within you.

 

The difference with romantic relationships is that the chemistry is often more intense.

 

Romantic and sexual intimacy activates the deepest parts of our attachment systems. These bonds release a potent mix of neurochemicals. Oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins enhance bonding and memory. They increase the emotional weight of the relationship. They heighten both pleasure and pain.

 

When those experiences are layered with cultural narratives about worth, possession, exclusivity, and being chosen, the psychological stakes rise even further. We are not just feeling a relationship. We are feeling our value. Our safety. Our identity.

 

This is why many people notice that their attachment responses are most activated in romantic relationships. It is not because they are less evolved in these areas. It is because the bond is amplified. The pressure is higher. The emotional temperature is different.

 

When those conditions change, so does the form of H₂O.

 

In The Pleasure Practice, I see this all the time. A client will feel calm, centered, and secure in one relationship. In another, they are anxious, constantly scanning for reassurance, unable to settle. They feel ashamed. They wonder what is wrong with them. They say, “Why do I get like this?”

 

The answer is not necessarily a flaw in them.

 

The answer is the chemistry.

 

When we study the relationship and not just the individual, we begin to see the patterns. We notice when a partner is inconsistent, unavailable, or confusing. We observe how emotional safety is either nurtured or disrupted. We pay attention to how the nervous system is responding.

 

Your body is not confused. Your body is speaking to you about your current environment and past experiences of needing safety.

 

You are not just one style. You are not locked into an identity. You are relational. You are adaptive. You are sensitive in ways that are incredibly wise.

 

What would it mean to stop trying to become secure and instead start creating conditions where your secure parts are allowed to flourish?

 

What would it mean to ask not what is wrong with me but what is this bond creating inside of me?

 

That question opens everything.

 

Because when we ask who we become in a connection, we move from judgment to curiosity. We see that different relationships awaken different versions of us. We realize that we get to choose which ones we water.

 

We are not stuck in who we have been. We are growing toward who we want to become.

 

This is the heart of what I believe. Not that we must master our nervous systems alone, but that we deserve to be in relationships that support our healing.

 

We deserve connections where we feel seen and steady. We deserve containers that invite us to rest. We deserve intimacy that evokes joy instead of fear, play instead of pressure.

 

You are not your past. You are not your trauma. You are not a diagnosis on a chart.

 

You are responsive.

 

You are relational intelligence.

 

You are capable of profound awareness and powerful change.

 

Every relationship you enter is a new experiment in chemistry. It is okay to notice how you feel with different people. It is okay to name when something brings out the best in you. It is okay to step back from what destabilizes you. It is okay to follow your truth.

 

This is not selfish. This is self-knowing.

 

It is okay to choose the bonds that bring clarity, connection, and flow. It is also okay to walk away from the ones that make you feel like you might detonate.

 

Pleasure Practice: This week, become a researcher of your own relational chemistry. Instead of looking for labels, listen for patterns. Observe the unique environments that create your emotional responses. You are not a puzzle to be solved, you are a process to be witnessed.

 

Bring to mind one relationship that feels stable, nourishing, or clarifying.

Then ask:

• What qualities in this relationship help me feel emotionally safe?

• What behaviors from this person allow my nervous system to soften?

• What part of me becomes most alive in this connection, and do I want more of that in my life?

   

Now bring to mind a relationship that feels confusing, destabilizing, or emotionally charged.

• What part of me gets activated here and what is it trying to protect?

• Is there inconsistency, ambiguity, or pressure that shapes how I respond?

• Does this bond invite expansion, or contraction? Curiosity, or fear?

   

To close your practice, write a short reflection. It does not need to be polished. Just honest.

• What am I learning about the conditions that shape who I become in relationship?

• What would it look like to consciously design relationships that bring out the most whole version of myself?

   

You are not one fixed thing. You are a living, relational being. And, you deserve relationships that support your fullest unfolding.

 

Sending All My Love,
Nicole

 

Nicole Thompson, M.A.

Sex and Relationship Psychotherapist

Clinical Psychology

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