Dear Listener,

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I want to share something deeply personal and profoundly liberating with you: the revolutionary power of releasing shame and embracing pleasure, one drop of lube at a time. This is the story I wish I had growing up. Not because I didn’t know what lube was, but because I thought needing it meant I was broken.

 

I spent years in relationships wondering what was wrong with my body. Why wasn’t I getting wet “naturally”? Why did sex feel painful or disconnected sometimes, even with someone I loved?

 

I never heard anyone say that wetness fluctuates. That stress and hormones, trauma and trust, timing and temperature all play a role. Instead, I absorbed the quiet, unspoken rule that I should be wet on command. That I should want sex a certain way, perform pleasure a certain way, and that anything less was a sign of failure.

 

And so I spent years silently enduring discomfort. I didn’t speak up. I didn’t reach for the lube. I thought my body had betrayed me.

 

It hadn’t.

 

When I finally gave myself permission to use lube, without shame, without apology, it changed everything. I started to feel more. I started to relax. I started to understand that pleasure isn’t a performance. It’s a practice. A surrender. A conversation between body and soul.

 

Let me be clear: I use lube every single time.

 

Because I want to. Because I deserve softness. I deserve ease. And I’ll never again let a patriarchal script about “natural” arousal dictate what my body needs. Lube is not just a tool. It’s a necessary component for the highest form of pleasure. Whether it’s a quick, passionate encounter or a long, sensual session, lube elevates every moment.

 

Think of it like this: would you want a massage with just the natural oils on your skin, or would you want one with a luxurious coconut oil? Lube enhances every touch, every sensation, turning good experiences into unforgettable ones.

 

Growing up with abstinence-only education, I never received real guidance on sex. I never received guidance on pleasure. And, I definitely never received information on what should or shouldn’t be in the intimate products we use. So, in case you're like me and never received the pleasure-filled sex education we all deserve, here are a few things I’ve learned that might just change your sex life:

 

Types of Lube to Explore:

• Water-based lubes: Versatile, easy to clean, and safe with both condoms and toys.

• Silicone-based lubes: Incredibly long-lasting and luxurious, but not recommended for use with silicone toys.

• Oil-based options: Like coconut oil, which can feel amazing, but aren’t compatible with latex condoms.

   

It was honestly shocking to discover how many lubes in my own bedroom had ingredients I had never learned to question. Ingredients like glycerin that, while common, can cause irritation or increase the risk of yeast infections. That moment was a wake-up call.

 

Ingredients to Be Mindful Of:

1. Glycerin – May contribute to yeast infections and sensitivities.

2. Parabens – Synthetic preservatives that can be irritating or hormone-disruptive.

3. Nonoxynol-9 – A spermicide that can increase risk of irritation.

4. Propylene Glycol – Can cause burning or allergic reactions for some.

5. Petrolatum or mineral oil – Can trap bacteria and are not condom-safe.

 

I share all of this because, wow, I wish I had this information years ago. I wish someone had told me that needing lube wasn’t a sign of being broken, but of being wise. Of listening to my body. Of honoring the truth that pleasure and ease are worthy pursuits, not things to be earned only when conditions are perfect.

 

I spent years thinking there was something wrong with me for not getting wet “on command.” The pressure to perform, to be effortlessly aroused, silenced my voice and pulled me further away from my body. But slowly, with the soft permission of a few lovers and the gentle nudge of my own curiosity, I started to let go.

 

I let go of the story that arousal should happen instantly.
I let go of the idea that lube was only for “older women.”
I let go of the shame that had colonized my sexuality.

 

And I returned home to a body that craved softness.
Slowness.
Support.

 

That’s why I use lube every time. Not because I’m broken, but because I’m listening. Because I know that pleasure is something we co-create with our partners, with ourselves, and with the tools that honor our needs.

 

Pleasure Practice: Go look at the label on your lube. What’s inside? What messages were you given about needing lubrication? Where do you feel shame, and where might you give yourself permission instead? This week, experiment with a new lube, or a new pace. Go slower. Add more. Say yes to what makes your body sing.

 

Sending All My Love,
Nicole

 

 

Nicole Thompson, M.A.

Sex and Relationship Psychotherapist

Clinical Psychology

 

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